Not Quite Good Enough

I know I'm not alone when I sit here and tell you I've felt inadequate. We all go through our struggles. Lately though, I've been challenged mentally and emotionally with the rate of my success. I think this is what has led me to share my progress so publicly. While opening myself up for ridicule and harsh comments, it also has allowed people in. Maybe there's just one person out there who I can reach, or can reach me back. Maybe it's away to encourage me to keep it up, or maybe it's a self-harming mechanism to punish myself into doing better. Whatever the reasoning, it's done and out there. I do have to say that my FB world of friends and family have been super encouraging, and definitely supportive. I've even enjoyed several private messages asking me what my secret is, or telling me that I encouraged them to get moving! I could not ask for a better support system, and I'm so appreciative for that.

So then why? Why with all this love and support am I still hurting myself? Why do I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl who started all this? Why can't I rejoice in my success like all my supporters? Why am I so discouraged, and have to fight the daily urge to quit? Why, why, why?

I've been thinking and I'd have to say that this is just part of the journey. As someone whose overcome some really painful events in her lifetime, I need to make myself feel good enough. I need to learn to be happy, to see the good in myself, and the beauty that's there within me. I HAVE to see how far I've come, and quit sabotaging my success. I am truly my worst enemy. I'm the only person who can fuel my vessel with the right foods, and sweat off every last pound... so I'm the only person who can authenticate my progress.

I recently joined some fellow Army spouses at what's called Bodyblast, and I can't even begin to put into words how amazing these ladies are. They really have set the bar high on loving each other, and just doing your best always! One thing they've given me is the idea of a non-scale victory! WOW! Looking for these small things daily, can really change your mind frame. (That and your bestie right there by your side trying to shake you out of it)!

All in all, it's a bad season for me mentally, but I will survive; as I have so many times before. If it were easy, I would have changed my life a long time ago. My challenge to anyone in my life that tries to compliment me and encourage me is to call me out if I don't graciously accept it. I'm horrible at "well I'm still fat" or "I still have so far to go!" Also, if you are on your own journey, whatever it may be, PLEASE find a way to enjoy your #nonscalevictories!


Unapologetically,

Queen B

Non-scale Victories
I bought all new clothes in smaller sizes!
Wore shorts in public!
Ran 2 5ks in one weekend!
Had to clean out my closet of all my bigger clothes!
Is running my first ever 10k tomorrow... wish me luck!
Has met so many wonderful people along the way!
Learning daily to love what God gave me ;)

Down 45 lbs, weight 215

I am....

For too long I've been using I am... I woke up this morning with all the I am's.... circling in my mind.

I am too ashamed.
I am too embarrassed.
I am too scared.
I am too fat.
I am too ugly.

I AM full of excuses!!! These are all things I told myself or others in order to not put myself out there. I've hid behind all of these for far too long. As I ran my second 5k yesterday, and celebrated the would have been 6th birthday of Ilee; I realized something... I am no longer holding myself back. I have come so far, and been through so much...

I am determined.
I am motivated.
I am a different person.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am healthy.
I am beautiful on the inside.

These are the things that matter to me. One day very soon I will be adding, I am confident in who I am! Not there yet, but I'm definitely cruising right along. I never dreamed of being a runner; not that I'd say I'm a runner yet, but I shaved 11 minutes off my first 5ks time yesterday. That's a huge accomplishment that I'm very proud of. I never thought I could live again without Ilee, and here I am still celebrating her life several years later.

I am getting there! I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Week almost 12 (tomorrow)

Down 40.4 lbs  weight  219.6