Not Quite Good Enough

I know I'm not alone when I sit here and tell you I've felt inadequate. We all go through our struggles. Lately though, I've been challenged mentally and emotionally with the rate of my success. I think this is what has led me to share my progress so publicly. While opening myself up for ridicule and harsh comments, it also has allowed people in. Maybe there's just one person out there who I can reach, or can reach me back. Maybe it's away to encourage me to keep it up, or maybe it's a self-harming mechanism to punish myself into doing better. Whatever the reasoning, it's done and out there. I do have to say that my FB world of friends and family have been super encouraging, and definitely supportive. I've even enjoyed several private messages asking me what my secret is, or telling me that I encouraged them to get moving! I could not ask for a better support system, and I'm so appreciative for that.

So then why? Why with all this love and support am I still hurting myself? Why do I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl who started all this? Why can't I rejoice in my success like all my supporters? Why am I so discouraged, and have to fight the daily urge to quit? Why, why, why?

I've been thinking and I'd have to say that this is just part of the journey. As someone whose overcome some really painful events in her lifetime, I need to make myself feel good enough. I need to learn to be happy, to see the good in myself, and the beauty that's there within me. I HAVE to see how far I've come, and quit sabotaging my success. I am truly my worst enemy. I'm the only person who can fuel my vessel with the right foods, and sweat off every last pound... so I'm the only person who can authenticate my progress.

I recently joined some fellow Army spouses at what's called Bodyblast, and I can't even begin to put into words how amazing these ladies are. They really have set the bar high on loving each other, and just doing your best always! One thing they've given me is the idea of a non-scale victory! WOW! Looking for these small things daily, can really change your mind frame. (That and your bestie right there by your side trying to shake you out of it)!

All in all, it's a bad season for me mentally, but I will survive; as I have so many times before. If it were easy, I would have changed my life a long time ago. My challenge to anyone in my life that tries to compliment me and encourage me is to call me out if I don't graciously accept it. I'm horrible at "well I'm still fat" or "I still have so far to go!" Also, if you are on your own journey, whatever it may be, PLEASE find a way to enjoy your #nonscalevictories!


Unapologetically,

Queen B

Non-scale Victories
I bought all new clothes in smaller sizes!
Wore shorts in public!
Ran 2 5ks in one weekend!
Had to clean out my closet of all my bigger clothes!
Is running my first ever 10k tomorrow... wish me luck!
Has met so many wonderful people along the way!
Learning daily to love what God gave me ;)

Down 45 lbs, weight 215

Moving Right Along

Once again, it's been awhile. I have had a very busy few weeks! I'm moving into week 11 of my new lifestyle and I'd like to say that my progress is incredible. I'm feeling better, sleeping better, and doing better than I have in a long time. I can't believe how far I've come. Friends are starting to notice and comment, and we all know how good that feels. Motivation is right where it needs to be, and this week I'm going to face my fear and work out in public. I'm switching up my routine a bit this week and getting out of my bubble (treadmill in my room).Wish me luck as I embark on this exciting, scary journey tomorrow.

Going from the bubbley, outgoing, cray cray lady to this in the shell kind of girl is hard. I miss the old me, and it's hard to not feel broken. It's funny when you set out to make such a big change in your life what goes in and out of focus for you. I'm still me, wild and cooky (hey it's in the genes), just down a little deeper now! I've had a rough few weeks due to illness, but I finally feel like I'm moving again. I definitely got off track mentally and that was weighing on me more than any of this weight. It takes a special friend, you know the one and only person who can tell you that sorta thing with out breaking you, to get in your head and get you right back to where you need to be. To my special lady, thank you and I love you!

I had to sit down, and look at what I've done in the short time I did it in. I needed to seriously revamp my goals, and remember the real reason I started doing this. I did not slip up at all, but was in a LONG stall. While doing all of this, and the well deserved butt chewing from above mentioned friend; I had all I need to dive back in and give it hell!

For the first time since I've started this, and knowing I still have far to go; I'm excited to share with you all my progress. I pray that while reading this you are inspired to jump up and do it with me. I know you can!!!

Love always,

Queen B

Week 10: 223 lbs

Down 37 pounds!

Long Live the Queen

Every time I sit down to do this, I start with it's been awhile, and well it has! Things in our lives are continually changing, and I'm not alone in that. Since, I've posted we've made some major lifestyle changes! After 4 months with our last sweet foster baby, we've decided to take a break from fostering! It's funny, because we went to Washington to visit family for a month with the baby, and they now have a new appreciation for what we do! They understand fully how hard it is to love a baby, and give it back not knowing the fate of what will come. Even with this new support system, we decide the best thing for our daughter is to take a break. She's 3 and doesn't understand where the new baby has gone. She continuously asks for him, and it's heartbreaking to say the least! This, however doesn't take away our desires to have a big family, but we will take a break for now and revisit later.

Meanwhile, I've decided to make a huge change in myself, and FINALLY lose the weight I've been holding onto since we've started this baby making journey 11 years ago! WOW I'm old! I've gained 130 lbs through fertility treatments, depression, and just complacency! I started a new 1,200 calorie diet with the biggest loser, and am working out 6 x a week! I drink a gallon of water a day, and am doing pretty good considering! I'm not hungry, and I'm eating good foods. I have joined several 5ks, and am sooo excited about them. (If you would like to follow along with my diet, or working out look me up on my fitness pal. )

Starting this diet is a huge change for myself and my family. I thought some of the harder things would be feeding them as well as me, but to my surprise they are loving my healthy food. Jaisalyn wants to eat everything I am, and usually does 2-3 helpings of her veggies!! Proud parents here lol! Working out has also been challenging considering the change in calorie intake, but I'm still managing that well too. I'm 1 week in and surprised at how well I'm doing! I've already lost 5.6 lbs! Gone forever! I'm also down 6 inches! I was chugging away doing wonderful, and then something unforeseen happened, and Aunt Flow paid a visit. Ding dang it! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. It's a game changer for sure, but I've maintained my diet and exercise and stayed the course. However, my weight loss has suffered! How do I mentally get over the fact that I haven't lost anything this week? I can't stop mulling over everything I put in my mouth, and whether or not I worked out enough. I'm trying to decide if I'm making the right choices, and how I'm going to go forward.

The worst part about a stall this early in my game, so to speak, is that all of my attempts to lose weight in the past have gotten me to this 5 lb spot, and then nothing! I'm so scared that's where I'm at again. My body has decided it likes to be fat, and won't do anything more. This is why I chose such a drastic program. I'm trying to reboot, and tell my body what the new norm is. Gahhhh, of course it's going to fight me on it. So, where does this leave me?? I have to make a choice... to let this be the end, or to "shake it off" and get my butt up and work out. I will beat these 5 lbs! I will beat my body! (not literally of course) Thanks to the support of my Best Friend and my Hubby, I will push through!

I plan on sharing my journey, as I always have, and hopefully inspiring someone going through a similar process. If this big 'ol lardy booty can do it, then so can you! Sharing in this type of way is probably the scariest part of all. No one wants to admit publically what they've done to their own body. It's shame and guilt inducing pain. Allowing myself to be publicly scrutinized doesn't sound like much fun, but it holds me accountable for what I want for myself. ME! I want this, and only I can do this! Now onto the hardest part of this whole thing......

My starting weight was 260 pounds!

Love to all,

Queen B

Pop Pop Fizz Fizz

Hello, and welcome to the first Sunday of 2015. Oh... my.... lanta....  I'm sore!!! My sweet neighbor and new trainer (ass kicker) Becca has got me not able to pee! I would like to take this opportunity to let you all know that we have a second floor, which is impossible for me to avoid! Youch!!! Today we managed to make it to church! Woohoo! Very first Sunday of the year and we were just where we needed to be! Did I mention our church has stairs??? Lots of them??? Oh and they like to stand and sit a lot! FAB U LOUS!!! YOUCH!!! It was nevertheless a great sermon, and I'm glad to be headed towards where we want to be already! Just have to keep that momentum, right? The rest of our day has been lazy. Chris and I have been taking turns trying to stretch each other out. Now's a great time to call him out on not even being able to touch his shins! Yes I said shins!!! Jaisalyn and her sweet self was happily helping by poking us in the eyes, giving kisses and jumping on us. Isn't she swell! It's a family effort I guess!

What are some of your goals for the new year? Are they the same as everyone else? Loose weight? Become a better person? Maybe you just need to clean your bathroom more... I know some people that would be an excellent idea! I keep adding more to my list. That's what a new year is right? A fresh start... a chance to change everything. I'm happy to say that being debt free in 2015 was a goal of mine, and we made it happen Dec 2014.... wooo hooo! Ok, so I have to be more specific; we still have our vehicles, GA house, oh and school loans..... so we are officially Credit Card debt free in 2015!!! I'm excited! It frees up a lot of money to start saving and all that jazz. Which by the way we are absolutely horrible at.... again, got to start somewhere.

2015 feels like a wonderful place to start working on me, and my happiness. We are completely done with our foster care application... just waiting for our license. Then we will be super busy with children! ahhhhh! There's something about fulfilling your life's purpose that makes you feel on top of the world. We've had such a hard journey to get here, and I'm happy to be where I am now. It was by no means easy, and there were many times I didn't think Chris nor I would make it through, especially together! We did though, and we unfortunately did not come out smelling like roses most the time, but then again who does 100% of the time.

So far the many goals I've laid before myself our:
Blog
Health
Happiness
Savings
Salvation
CHILDREN!!!

These are the big ones at least! I hope you all have a blessed Sunday, and thanks once again for joining me.

with Love,
Ashlie

2015... I'm going to do it all!!!

Every year like others, I make a mile long list of all the many ideas and goals to help better myself and our family. This year is no different in that I have at least 30 goals for the big 'ol 15!!! One of which is this blog. Everyone who knows us knows we have a crazy little life!!! UNDERSTATEMENT.... the first of many  probably! Any who, I've decided going forward I'm going to start documenting this hectic life of ours; in the hopes to help someone else! (Hopefully)

If you are new to The Crazy B's let me introduce us: I'm Ashlie, I will be 30 on the 17th! Gahh we could start there, and I could tell you that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be 30, but I'm going to spare y'all the boo hoos and move on to my Lover Chris. He is my best friend and my hero! He's been through a lot of heavy stuff with me, and through it all he sticks around (still can't figure it out!) He's 32 and in the Army. We are stationed at Ft. Bragg, and will be here for a few years. Two years ago in October, we grew our family when we adopted our little hellion.... PRINCESS!!!! She's the perfect little addition to our crazy group. Her name is Jaisalyn and she keeps us on our toes daily! I will definitely dive more into details on how we got here, but for day 1, I think we are off to a good start.

Back to goals, One of my goals is to better me, Ashlie! I want to loose weight... who doesn't? My goal for this year is to lose 2 lbs a week at 52 weeks a year for a total of 104 lbs! It may seem like a lot, but I will still not be down to my goal weight even at that point. I have gained over 160 lbs in the 9 years we did fertility treatments. (Again more for another day) Our treatments were unsuccessful and it left me with this LARGE sense of FAILURE, and a body I hate and don't recognize. I did this to myself, and had no baby to show for it. It's not about all that though, I want to be happy more than anything! I want to be a good role model for our daughter, and I always want her to ask me to go out and do something crazy with her knowing that I will be game.... Nothing holding me down!!! So, here I sit day 1 of my workout completed, and although I finished... I found myself in a heap on our bedroom floor bawling my eyes out. My husband fresh out of the shower and in his under roos found me and tried to console me. In that moment, my pity party, I decided I'm going to talk about this!!!! Hence, a blog is born!!!!!!!!!!

If I didn't bore y'all too much, I hope you will come back for more!

Love to all,
Ashlie, Queen of  The Crazy B's