Infertile Mertile

While Chris was deployed to Iraq in 03-04; I finished high school, moved away and started college. I also set up our home and new life together, while waiting for Chris to return. It was the longest year of our lives. Mail was 6 weeks if we were lucky, and phone calls were even less. I didn't really have a support system outside of family since I stayed in Spokane. When Chris returned he didn’t have a job, (since he was Guard) so between the two of us, we had to work 5 jobs just to make ends meet. After two years of struggling and not getting anywhere we decided to join active duty Army. Chris left to switch his job to be an Army carpenter for three months to Gulfport, Mississippi and from there got orders to Fort Richardson, Alaska.

This is where our fertility journey began; after trying for over a year and having 2 miscarriages. Chris was tested, and I started to undergo extensive testing and procedures. We did testing for about a year (blood work, Ultrasounds, HCG procedure) before the doctors started us on a six month round of Clomid. Meanwhile, all of our friends and family were getting pregnant and extending their families. We felt as if we were missing out on a big part of what our purpose in life was. We've dreamed of having children together. I've always told Chris that I wanted 1 manually, and 6 adopted. He of course would laugh at my outlandish giant family ideas. Secretly, he wanted a big family too. Five months into treatments, and facing a one year deployment we decided to pay out of pocket to meet with an invitro-semination specialist. We traveled for 5 hours to receive bad news. We were told we would never conceive and should look into other means. It was heartbreaking to say the least, but we were determined that this wouldn't be the end of our story. While we were in Alaska we traveled the state enjoying all Alaska had to offer. We finished the Clomid and Chris deployed to Iraq for a year.

Upon Chris’ return, we received orders to Fort Stewart, Georgia. There we decided to begin the adoption and foster care process. As soon as we got settled in Georgia, we completed the application and began the certification. While we got certified, we met with another fertility specialist before Chris deployed again for a year, but this time to Afghanistan. Despite our history, the Dr. decided to put us on another round of Clomid; saying that a higher dose would improve our chances. After another negative result, we decided that the only thing we could do would be an insemination. We had to pay out of pocket and it resulted in our 4th miscarriage a week before Chris deployed. While Chris was deployed our house was opened as a foster to adopt home, or so we

thought. There were many children the state presented to us as “adoptable” that were in fact not.  I will dive more into our foster time in GA at another time.

I really wanted to talk about how the Clomid made me feel... it was awful. I was all over the place with emotions, hot flashes, cold flashes, uncontrollable crying, and of course the weight gain. At this point I had gained 80 lbs. I felt disgusting, and like a failure. How could I as a woman not fulfill my basic purpose for being created by God. I felt betrayed and hurt, and couldn't understand why others around us could get pregnant so easily, and not even be able to care for their children. It was the hardest time of my life.... at least so I thought.... God had many more heartbreaks for us before we could get our happy ending!

Thanks for joining me in this painful part of my life!
Ashlie- Queen B

2015... I'm going to do it all!!!

Every year like others, I make a mile long list of all the many ideas and goals to help better myself and our family. This year is no different in that I have at least 30 goals for the big 'ol 15!!! One of which is this blog. Everyone who knows us knows we have a crazy little life!!! UNDERSTATEMENT.... the first of many  probably! Any who, I've decided going forward I'm going to start documenting this hectic life of ours; in the hopes to help someone else! (Hopefully)

If you are new to The Crazy B's let me introduce us: I'm Ashlie, I will be 30 on the 17th! Gahh we could start there, and I could tell you that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be 30, but I'm going to spare y'all the boo hoos and move on to my Lover Chris. He is my best friend and my hero! He's been through a lot of heavy stuff with me, and through it all he sticks around (still can't figure it out!) He's 32 and in the Army. We are stationed at Ft. Bragg, and will be here for a few years. Two years ago in October, we grew our family when we adopted our little hellion.... PRINCESS!!!! She's the perfect little addition to our crazy group. Her name is Jaisalyn and she keeps us on our toes daily! I will definitely dive more into details on how we got here, but for day 1, I think we are off to a good start.

Back to goals, One of my goals is to better me, Ashlie! I want to loose weight... who doesn't? My goal for this year is to lose 2 lbs a week at 52 weeks a year for a total of 104 lbs! It may seem like a lot, but I will still not be down to my goal weight even at that point. I have gained over 160 lbs in the 9 years we did fertility treatments. (Again more for another day) Our treatments were unsuccessful and it left me with this LARGE sense of FAILURE, and a body I hate and don't recognize. I did this to myself, and had no baby to show for it. It's not about all that though, I want to be happy more than anything! I want to be a good role model for our daughter, and I always want her to ask me to go out and do something crazy with her knowing that I will be game.... Nothing holding me down!!! So, here I sit day 1 of my workout completed, and although I finished... I found myself in a heap on our bedroom floor bawling my eyes out. My husband fresh out of the shower and in his under roos found me and tried to console me. In that moment, my pity party, I decided I'm going to talk about this!!!! Hence, a blog is born!!!!!!!!!!

If I didn't bore y'all too much, I hope you will come back for more!

Love to all,
Ashlie, Queen of  The Crazy B's