Infertile Mertile

While Chris was deployed to Iraq in 03-04; I finished high school, moved away and started college. I also set up our home and new life together, while waiting for Chris to return. It was the longest year of our lives. Mail was 6 weeks if we were lucky, and phone calls were even less. I didn't really have a support system outside of family since I stayed in Spokane. When Chris returned he didn’t have a job, (since he was Guard) so between the two of us, we had to work 5 jobs just to make ends meet. After two years of struggling and not getting anywhere we decided to join active duty Army. Chris left to switch his job to be an Army carpenter for three months to Gulfport, Mississippi and from there got orders to Fort Richardson, Alaska.

This is where our fertility journey began; after trying for over a year and having 2 miscarriages. Chris was tested, and I started to undergo extensive testing and procedures. We did testing for about a year (blood work, Ultrasounds, HCG procedure) before the doctors started us on a six month round of Clomid. Meanwhile, all of our friends and family were getting pregnant and extending their families. We felt as if we were missing out on a big part of what our purpose in life was. We've dreamed of having children together. I've always told Chris that I wanted 1 manually, and 6 adopted. He of course would laugh at my outlandish giant family ideas. Secretly, he wanted a big family too. Five months into treatments, and facing a one year deployment we decided to pay out of pocket to meet with an invitro-semination specialist. We traveled for 5 hours to receive bad news. We were told we would never conceive and should look into other means. It was heartbreaking to say the least, but we were determined that this wouldn't be the end of our story. While we were in Alaska we traveled the state enjoying all Alaska had to offer. We finished the Clomid and Chris deployed to Iraq for a year.

Upon Chris’ return, we received orders to Fort Stewart, Georgia. There we decided to begin the adoption and foster care process. As soon as we got settled in Georgia, we completed the application and began the certification. While we got certified, we met with another fertility specialist before Chris deployed again for a year, but this time to Afghanistan. Despite our history, the Dr. decided to put us on another round of Clomid; saying that a higher dose would improve our chances. After another negative result, we decided that the only thing we could do would be an insemination. We had to pay out of pocket and it resulted in our 4th miscarriage a week before Chris deployed. While Chris was deployed our house was opened as a foster to adopt home, or so we

thought. There were many children the state presented to us as “adoptable” that were in fact not.  I will dive more into our foster time in GA at another time.

I really wanted to talk about how the Clomid made me feel... it was awful. I was all over the place with emotions, hot flashes, cold flashes, uncontrollable crying, and of course the weight gain. At this point I had gained 80 lbs. I felt disgusting, and like a failure. How could I as a woman not fulfill my basic purpose for being created by God. I felt betrayed and hurt, and couldn't understand why others around us could get pregnant so easily, and not even be able to care for their children. It was the hardest time of my life.... at least so I thought.... God had many more heartbreaks for us before we could get our happy ending!

Thanks for joining me in this painful part of my life!
Ashlie- Queen B