Moving Right Along

Once again, it's been awhile. I have had a very busy few weeks! I'm moving into week 11 of my new lifestyle and I'd like to say that my progress is incredible. I'm feeling better, sleeping better, and doing better than I have in a long time. I can't believe how far I've come. Friends are starting to notice and comment, and we all know how good that feels. Motivation is right where it needs to be, and this week I'm going to face my fear and work out in public. I'm switching up my routine a bit this week and getting out of my bubble (treadmill in my room).Wish me luck as I embark on this exciting, scary journey tomorrow.

Going from the bubbley, outgoing, cray cray lady to this in the shell kind of girl is hard. I miss the old me, and it's hard to not feel broken. It's funny when you set out to make such a big change in your life what goes in and out of focus for you. I'm still me, wild and cooky (hey it's in the genes), just down a little deeper now! I've had a rough few weeks due to illness, but I finally feel like I'm moving again. I definitely got off track mentally and that was weighing on me more than any of this weight. It takes a special friend, you know the one and only person who can tell you that sorta thing with out breaking you, to get in your head and get you right back to where you need to be. To my special lady, thank you and I love you!

I had to sit down, and look at what I've done in the short time I did it in. I needed to seriously revamp my goals, and remember the real reason I started doing this. I did not slip up at all, but was in a LONG stall. While doing all of this, and the well deserved butt chewing from above mentioned friend; I had all I need to dive back in and give it hell!

For the first time since I've started this, and knowing I still have far to go; I'm excited to share with you all my progress. I pray that while reading this you are inspired to jump up and do it with me. I know you can!!!

Love always,

Queen B

Week 10: 223 lbs

Down 37 pounds!

Ripples In The Water

2 weeks into my diet now, and I'm still going strong! No cheating and working out 6x a week! I'm so excited to have found a treadmill too, so I have no excuses to start running! I just have to get out of my head, and out of my own way! Emotionally I'm spent! Chris is working crazy hours, Jaisalyn has been acting out like crazy, and please don't even get me started on my moose of a puppy! Plus, I have some health stuff going on with my endometriosis and depression. All in all I'm doing pretty good. I have friends in all the right places and I'm so very grateful for that.

2 weeks in and I'm down 9.2 pounds! Whoop whoop! Ok, that's how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't. I feel like it's not good enough and I have sooooo far to go! I'm frustrated and beat down. My Dr dropped a bomb on me last week and followed it up this week with "I'm too heavy to proceed any further!" BAM!!  Just like that -9 pounds doesn't seem to matter. I'm stuck in that spot in my head where I just know I have to work harder, eat less! Obsessing over every bite and every step! It's not healthy and even though those are important aspects of what I'm trying to do for myself; it's not all of it! I'm trying to teach myself that I'm worth it. I'm worth all of this.

It's hard to explain how I got here. Thinking I'm ugly and fat, and my husband can do so much better. Also, it's hard to not feel judged by my Dr who thinks I just sit around all day eating doughnuts. I got fat! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Do they know why, or how? No! I will not sit here and tell you I got to this weight eating only salad, we all know that's not true. However, I've gone through things in my life that enabled my eating, or sedentary lifestyle. Trust me I know lots of people have gone through similar things and not gained weight, maybe even lost weight with their depression. But I can't speak to that. I can only speak to my story. I hope instead of judging me that someone out there can find inspiration in what I'm trying to do for me! 

Love always, Queen B 

Week 2 : 250.8 pounds!

Long Live the Queen

Every time I sit down to do this, I start with it's been awhile, and well it has! Things in our lives are continually changing, and I'm not alone in that. Since, I've posted we've made some major lifestyle changes! After 4 months with our last sweet foster baby, we've decided to take a break from fostering! It's funny, because we went to Washington to visit family for a month with the baby, and they now have a new appreciation for what we do! They understand fully how hard it is to love a baby, and give it back not knowing the fate of what will come. Even with this new support system, we decide the best thing for our daughter is to take a break. She's 3 and doesn't understand where the new baby has gone. She continuously asks for him, and it's heartbreaking to say the least! This, however doesn't take away our desires to have a big family, but we will take a break for now and revisit later.

Meanwhile, I've decided to make a huge change in myself, and FINALLY lose the weight I've been holding onto since we've started this baby making journey 11 years ago! WOW I'm old! I've gained 130 lbs through fertility treatments, depression, and just complacency! I started a new 1,200 calorie diet with the biggest loser, and am working out 6 x a week! I drink a gallon of water a day, and am doing pretty good considering! I'm not hungry, and I'm eating good foods. I have joined several 5ks, and am sooo excited about them. (If you would like to follow along with my diet, or working out look me up on my fitness pal. )

Starting this diet is a huge change for myself and my family. I thought some of the harder things would be feeding them as well as me, but to my surprise they are loving my healthy food. Jaisalyn wants to eat everything I am, and usually does 2-3 helpings of her veggies!! Proud parents here lol! Working out has also been challenging considering the change in calorie intake, but I'm still managing that well too. I'm 1 week in and surprised at how well I'm doing! I've already lost 5.6 lbs! Gone forever! I'm also down 6 inches! I was chugging away doing wonderful, and then something unforeseen happened, and Aunt Flow paid a visit. Ding dang it! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. It's a game changer for sure, but I've maintained my diet and exercise and stayed the course. However, my weight loss has suffered! How do I mentally get over the fact that I haven't lost anything this week? I can't stop mulling over everything I put in my mouth, and whether or not I worked out enough. I'm trying to decide if I'm making the right choices, and how I'm going to go forward.

The worst part about a stall this early in my game, so to speak, is that all of my attempts to lose weight in the past have gotten me to this 5 lb spot, and then nothing! I'm so scared that's where I'm at again. My body has decided it likes to be fat, and won't do anything more. This is why I chose such a drastic program. I'm trying to reboot, and tell my body what the new norm is. Gahhhh, of course it's going to fight me on it. So, where does this leave me?? I have to make a choice... to let this be the end, or to "shake it off" and get my butt up and work out. I will beat these 5 lbs! I will beat my body! (not literally of course) Thanks to the support of my Best Friend and my Hubby, I will push through!

I plan on sharing my journey, as I always have, and hopefully inspiring someone going through a similar process. If this big 'ol lardy booty can do it, then so can you! Sharing in this type of way is probably the scariest part of all. No one wants to admit publically what they've done to their own body. It's shame and guilt inducing pain. Allowing myself to be publicly scrutinized doesn't sound like much fun, but it holds me accountable for what I want for myself. ME! I want this, and only I can do this! Now onto the hardest part of this whole thing......

My starting weight was 260 pounds!

Love to all,

Queen B

The Big Move

We moved! Our lease was up and it was time! Moves are hectic and stressful and definitely an easy time to argue and fight. If I'm being honest it's been a trigger for Chris and I many times... Many many times! We do move a lot! However, this has been the easiest move ever for us! We were so blessed when our landlord let us move a week earlier than planned and Chris and I (with help from some beloved friends) were able to move the whole house and clean the old one before our original move date! Like I said easy!

Anywho, I could go on and on about how much we all love the new house and all its ammenities, but I won't! I will simply say it's the little things that really light my wick these days! Such as being able to turn my kitchen faucet all the way, not hearing a hum every time we use the water, water pressure, being able to open the freezer door, and (my absolute favorite) being able to turn a full 360* in my shower! These are some of the wonderful things our new home has to offer. Everyone seems to be transitioning well! 

Plus, Chris was home and able to help move! BONUS! Moving is also expensive! Deposits left and right! I'm happy to tell you all that despite a year of troubles and frustration... We will be getting our old deposit back! I thought hell would freeze first! But plenty of prayers and the lady seemed to be a new person at the walk through! Thank Jesus! 

We are probably 85% unpacked! I'm very happy how things are coming along. De-cluttering and simplifying is my new home motto! The plan is to spend a few years here...hopefully we can break our record of 3 years... Back to Alaska... The longest we've ever lived somewhere so far in our career! 

Hope all is well for all reading this! I'm excited I got a few minutes and a head full of thoughts! 

Queen B 

Some not so helpful helpers!

Jais and Riley in our new back yard!

Chocolate covered kisses 💋💋💋💋

Nine years of fertility treatments, a dozen foster kids, a failed adoption, and the loss of a child definitely had us broken. We had just PCS'ed to Ft Jackson, SC where Chris was going to be a Drill Sergeant. Before we even got there I had been in contact with a Private Adoption Agency; had submitted our application and had a date for our first home study. Things were slow at first, I went back to school at Regency Beauty Institute, and worked part time at Ulta; while Chris stayed busy working 100+ hour work weeks. After our second home study, we learned about our miracle baby!!!

Our agency, as well as many others, branch out and work with agencies all over the US. They had a lawyer in Charleston, SC that had a pregnant mother she was having difficulty placing. She asked for other's portfolio's if anyone was interested. Mind you, we had been working on a portfolio for months!!!! It told our entire story, and was very pretty! This lawyer wanted 2 pages MAX, and that was supposed to be enough to convince this woman we were the family for her little one! I got the email in the middle of school, and immediately headed home to work on this tiny portfolio. We got it done, and I was able to overnight it to Charleston that day. The next day, while driving back from school, the lawyer called to tell me the Biological mom had picked US!!!!!

I was ecstatic, scared, overwhelmed, and any other crazy thing you would think someone would be feeling in that moment!! I immediately called Chris and told him the fantastic news. We were hesitant to tell our family until we had more info. Jaisalyn's mom wanted to meet us, and since she was 7 months pregnant it was pretty urgent! We were able to drive up and meet her for dinner, where we spent hours talking and crying with her. I brought her the portfolio I had been working on for her to keep. She was so sincere in wanting the best for her baby. The meeting went well, and other than waiting for Jais to be born, we had another tiny problem..... $$$$$$$$

I don't want money to take over this because what God did for us in this situation was truly a miracle. We had 2 months to raise the money to cover all the lawyer, court, guardian ad litem, hospital, and Biological mother fees. We were looking at upwards of $20,000. Hard to swallow at first, but already it was a blessing.... the agency we were working with before required a $10,000 agency fee; we no longer had to pay that going through the lawyer. Looking at that number in the face was scary, but we had the best lawyer in the world, and I believe God put her there to help us.

We hit the ground running, I quit school and went to work full time, and we were running fund raisers like crazy. We started a website, sold magnets, bracelets, baked goods, tshirts, and our church even did a car wash! Each time the lawyer asked us for money, we miraculously had it to give!!! We applied for every grant out there, but with the timing of our adoption, we were not eligible for any! Our family majorly stepped up and were sending us donations. It was seriously a miracle. We obviously did it, and to this day I could not tell you where every last dollar came from..... but I'm so very grateful!

Jaisalyn was born via C-section a week early on October 12th, 2012 at 8:15am. She was so beautiful and we were lucky to be there for all of her first moments. Her Biological Grandmother was there and so kind to us. She held Jais and prayed over her, as well as us! Jaisalyn was really sick in the beginning, and we weren't able to touch her with our skin for the first whole week of her life. When we finally did though, it was amazing. We "kangarooed" her lol! (It's when you lay her naked skin on your bare chest, so you can each feel each other's heart beats.)

We had to wait 2 days for her Biological mom to sign the paper work, since she had a C-section. The case worker came to get us to tell us whether or not she had signed, and we were a mess with nerves. We left to go call our family and deliver the news, meanwhile all the NICU nurses were freaking out since they saw me crying, and then we didn't come back!!! When we got back we had a huge celebration, and these nurses we had just met 2 days prior were crying with us. They were so happy for us. That was the most joyous occasion, and I'm so glad we spent it with those nurses!

Our little Chocolate Chip is still keeping it interesting!!! She is the light of our lives, and I honestly believe that Ilee picked her for us in Heaven. Jaisalyn saved our lives, and I pray we can instill in her how important she is and will always be!!!

That's all I got for now!

6 months

1 year

Infertile Mertile

While Chris was deployed to Iraq in 03-04; I finished high school, moved away and started college. I also set up our home and new life together, while waiting for Chris to return. It was the longest year of our lives. Mail was 6 weeks if we were lucky, and phone calls were even less. I didn't really have a support system outside of family since I stayed in Spokane. When Chris returned he didn’t have a job, (since he was Guard) so between the two of us, we had to work 5 jobs just to make ends meet. After two years of struggling and not getting anywhere we decided to join active duty Army. Chris left to switch his job to be an Army carpenter for three months to Gulfport, Mississippi and from there got orders to Fort Richardson, Alaska.

This is where our fertility journey began; after trying for over a year and having 2 miscarriages. Chris was tested, and I started to undergo extensive testing and procedures. We did testing for about a year (blood work, Ultrasounds, HCG procedure) before the doctors started us on a six month round of Clomid. Meanwhile, all of our friends and family were getting pregnant and extending their families. We felt as if we were missing out on a big part of what our purpose in life was. We've dreamed of having children together. I've always told Chris that I wanted 1 manually, and 6 adopted. He of course would laugh at my outlandish giant family ideas. Secretly, he wanted a big family too. Five months into treatments, and facing a one year deployment we decided to pay out of pocket to meet with an invitro-semination specialist. We traveled for 5 hours to receive bad news. We were told we would never conceive and should look into other means. It was heartbreaking to say the least, but we were determined that this wouldn't be the end of our story. While we were in Alaska we traveled the state enjoying all Alaska had to offer. We finished the Clomid and Chris deployed to Iraq for a year.

Upon Chris’ return, we received orders to Fort Stewart, Georgia. There we decided to begin the adoption and foster care process. As soon as we got settled in Georgia, we completed the application and began the certification. While we got certified, we met with another fertility specialist before Chris deployed again for a year, but this time to Afghanistan. Despite our history, the Dr. decided to put us on another round of Clomid; saying that a higher dose would improve our chances. After another negative result, we decided that the only thing we could do would be an insemination. We had to pay out of pocket and it resulted in our 4th miscarriage a week before Chris deployed. While Chris was deployed our house was opened as a foster to adopt home, or so we

thought. There were many children the state presented to us as “adoptable” that were in fact not.  I will dive more into our foster time in GA at another time.

I really wanted to talk about how the Clomid made me feel... it was awful. I was all over the place with emotions, hot flashes, cold flashes, uncontrollable crying, and of course the weight gain. At this point I had gained 80 lbs. I felt disgusting, and like a failure. How could I as a woman not fulfill my basic purpose for being created by God. I felt betrayed and hurt, and couldn't understand why others around us could get pregnant so easily, and not even be able to care for their children. It was the hardest time of my life.... at least so I thought.... God had many more heartbreaks for us before we could get our happy ending!

Thanks for joining me in this painful part of my life!
Ashlie- Queen B

How Those Crazy B's came to be...

We grew up in the same teensy, weensy town that our parents and of course Grandparents grew up in too. We didn't run in the same circles, not that Reardan has many... hehe.... but we had mutual friends, and I of course dated Chris' step brother for awhile, ( we don't like to talk much about that)  and Chris dated several of my friends, including my best friend at the time. (It's a small town thing lol) Somehow, we ended up getting together in the Summer of 2001; the year Chris graduated. (yep he's old lol) My mom meddled since she knew we liked each other, and tried to get us together. My father wasn't a huge fan since Chris was older, and had just graduated from HS. BUT, we hung out and went out a few times, and things developed quickly for us.
On our first date Chris asked me to go to the lake with him and his family. I said sure and they came and picked me up. Chris' mom and boyfriend were in the front, and we were squished in the back with Chris' friend and new puppy. Puppy of course had not ridden in a car and threw up all over my feet. Overall, it was a good day until Chris' friend threw a dead fish in my lap, and later the boyfriend was pulled over for driving like an idiot. BUT all in all not terrible haha! We had our first ever kiss that day when Chris brought me home, it was TERRIBLE!!!! Seriously, worst kiss ever!!! Chris asked me to go to a movie with him and a friend, and I accepted. They came and picked me up, and I happily sat in the back seat, listening to some GOD awful song about "jar jelly". The movie was great, but on the way home I sat in front; which was a wonderful position to feel the Bassett Hound go underneath me when Chris ran over it. He pulled over to see if it was ok, but it was too late he was gone! I know  what you are all thinking.... why the heck didn't I run for the hills..... I can't answer that for you! However, I can say I'm forever grateful I didn't run! It only got better from there, and before we knew it we were inseparable. We had soo many fights and arguments, and then 2 seconds later we would be laughing and kissing. It was sweet and romantic, yet crazy and wild all at the same time. Wow!!! This was like forever ago... really feeling old writing this!!!

Chris had plans to go straight into the Army, and was supposed to leave for boot camp that Fall. However, he got Mono, and his ship date got pushed back a year. Which gave our new romance more time to be together, or not! We fought, broke up, and got back together monthly, weekly sometimes! I couldn't tell you why, maybe just because we were young or had nothing better to do! Anyhow, a year and a half after we started dating; it was finally time for Chris to leave for boot camp! He left in October for Training in 2002 for Ft Leonardwood, MO to become a Combat Engineer.
We wrote letters daily, the mail was slow back then. (we still have every single letter that each of us ever wrote) When it was time for Chris to graduate, I flew down to MO with my Grandma, and Chris' sister Holly. It was so awesome to be there for such a big part of his life. He was bald and had big ol' ugly glasses.... some are familiar: BCG's.... but he was mine, and I had missed him like crazy. We made it back to WA, just in time to find out that Chris had already been activated for 4 months, and would be going to Iraq; even though he was just in the Guard. The news was devastating since he was only home a whopping 4 days. We decided quickly that we would get married before Chris left, and have a big wedding when he came home from deployment. (little did we know that would never happen haha)

We ended up getting married Mon March 10, 2003 at 7pm. My parents, my best friend, and us went to a Hitching Post in Idaho so it would be legal, and then had a small ceremony at our church that evening. People were less than thrilled; they said we were too young and would never make it. HA we say HA! My parents got us a hotel next to the airport, and we went right there after our ceremony. We were honestly pooped, and didn't do much that night but sleep and snuggle. The next day I took Chris to the airport for what would be our first year long deployment! I missed school that day to get married!

If you made it through, and want to see more, I can't wait to give it to you....

Ashlie

2015... I'm going to do it all!!!

Every year like others, I make a mile long list of all the many ideas and goals to help better myself and our family. This year is no different in that I have at least 30 goals for the big 'ol 15!!! One of which is this blog. Everyone who knows us knows we have a crazy little life!!! UNDERSTATEMENT.... the first of many  probably! Any who, I've decided going forward I'm going to start documenting this hectic life of ours; in the hopes to help someone else! (Hopefully)

If you are new to The Crazy B's let me introduce us: I'm Ashlie, I will be 30 on the 17th! Gahh we could start there, and I could tell you that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be 30, but I'm going to spare y'all the boo hoos and move on to my Lover Chris. He is my best friend and my hero! He's been through a lot of heavy stuff with me, and through it all he sticks around (still can't figure it out!) He's 32 and in the Army. We are stationed at Ft. Bragg, and will be here for a few years. Two years ago in October, we grew our family when we adopted our little hellion.... PRINCESS!!!! She's the perfect little addition to our crazy group. Her name is Jaisalyn and she keeps us on our toes daily! I will definitely dive more into details on how we got here, but for day 1, I think we are off to a good start.

Back to goals, One of my goals is to better me, Ashlie! I want to loose weight... who doesn't? My goal for this year is to lose 2 lbs a week at 52 weeks a year for a total of 104 lbs! It may seem like a lot, but I will still not be down to my goal weight even at that point. I have gained over 160 lbs in the 9 years we did fertility treatments. (Again more for another day) Our treatments were unsuccessful and it left me with this LARGE sense of FAILURE, and a body I hate and don't recognize. I did this to myself, and had no baby to show for it. It's not about all that though, I want to be happy more than anything! I want to be a good role model for our daughter, and I always want her to ask me to go out and do something crazy with her knowing that I will be game.... Nothing holding me down!!! So, here I sit day 1 of my workout completed, and although I finished... I found myself in a heap on our bedroom floor bawling my eyes out. My husband fresh out of the shower and in his under roos found me and tried to console me. In that moment, my pity party, I decided I'm going to talk about this!!!! Hence, a blog is born!!!!!!!!!!

If I didn't bore y'all too much, I hope you will come back for more!

Love to all,
Ashlie, Queen of  The Crazy B's