The Honeymoon is Over

I'm going to try my hardest to not make this a negative Nancy post, but since we've been back home, I find myself more upset then excited. I've been trying diligently to give it to God and pray like the dickens that it will all work out, but something won't stop nagging at me! I think it's important to interject here that I've been super sick since we've been home too, and that probably is not helping my mind frame!

I have always set out to be as honest as possible with everyone when it comes to our journey. I can't stop now! I think it's so important for anyone looking into adoption or maybe supporting a family adopting to know that it's not all rainbows and butterflies! Now that the excitement of it is wearing off, there's the realness of it all, and that is how in the world are we going to pay for all of this!!?? Have we made the right decisions in allowing her to meet our daughter? Is she going to follow through with all of this after we give up everything we've worked so hard to save for our family? These questions are so hard, and I don't know how Chris looks at my messy self, smiles and continues to tell me it's all going to be ok!

If there was an ever an incredible man alive, it is all Chris! That man is literally the most supportive, amazing dude! Like a really good sports bra! :) All jokes aside he's handling this all well! I'm ever so grateful that although our journey has been painful, through it all we still have each other! I think I'm handling it well considering who I am... ( a great big ball or worry)! We've been proactive with our first fundraiser and that is keeping my mind and hands busy. It's just so overwhelming to think about taking $30,000- $40,000 away from our family right now!

It's not all about the money, we've done this before and somehow by grace of God we will do it again! Now though, the stakes are higher! Our sweet Jaisalyn's heart is involved; she has met this woman who gave her life. She has met her sisters. They will always be out there now, and even though I'm so excited for her to know that, it hurts my heart to think that it could all go away at any moment. I guess what I'm trying to say is.. if you've seen me in the last week, and I wasn't screaming it from the rooftops, or smiling ear to ear.... it's because I'm so very scared right now! I'm all up in my head freaking out!!!

I'm writing this to educate and create an understanding
of all the ups and downs adoption can entail! I want you all to know that this all comes down to faith! While, I'm the first to say I don't have that 100% , I can assure you all I'm working on it. So, for my prayer warriors out there, I beg you to keep me in your prayers when it comes to resting my mind with all the "what if's" and to trusting that God brought us here, and He will get us through. It's already a done deal, I just have to sit back and watch it all unfold marvelously! As My God performs miracles!!! All you have to do is look to Jaisalyn to see that!

I hope I didn't lose you,

Queen Crazy :)

And Then There Was FOUR!

I told y’all there was more, and I won’t disappoint!

Before Chris left for deployment we decided we wanted to adopt again! I’ve been researching adoption agencies and nothing really felt right for us! It turns out God had plans of his own!

We barely made it home from the airport Tuesday when I got a voicemail. I went to check it and it turned out being our lawyer who handled Jaisalyn’s adoption! Jaisalyn’s BM (birth mom) is  pregnant again and trying to track us down! She wanted to know if we wanted to adopt the baby. Of course feeling this was a sign from God we said absolutely! Answer to prayer right?

Lawyer said enjoy your holiday (thanksgiving) and we’ll talk Monday! Flash forward to Monday and here we are dealing with the grief of our trashed house and Ilee, and the lawyer wants us to come through Tuesday. Ok no big deal, but wait BM will be there along with 2 of Jaisalyn’s sisters!

A little back story is we have a completely closed adoption and BM did not want to even look at Jaisalyn for fear of changing her mind. We’ve had no communication for the last 5years! Yikes, right?

We went from having a closed adoption and no real possibility of Jaisalyn ever meeting her Bio family to preparing her with the confusion of it all in less than 24 hours! Adoption is not a new word to her, but I’m still not sure she fully understands! She’s elated to be a sister though to her 2 new sisters and to this new baby! We had an amazing visit with BM and her sisters. It was so surreal and crazy how much they all look alike and even act!

This is all new territory for all of us, and we are very unsure of the future. However, we know the Crazy B’s are growing, and we are excited to announce we are “due” May 5! Please keep both our families in prayer that God will continue to work in all our lives!

Elated and emotionally fried,

Queen B

Where to Start?

It’s always been forever since I last wrote, life happens and I just get so caught up living it that it’s sometimes hard to sit down and record! We survived our 6th deployment, barely! Jaisalyn turned 5 and is in her second year of preschool! She’s loving it, and can’t wait to go into her full time kindergarten next year! She’s doing ballet, tap, and started hip hop this year too! She LOVES dancing and singing! We’ve all in all done rreally well at staying busy!

I tried my luck with LuLaRoe! It ultimately ended up not being what I thought is was, and even though we loved doing it as a family even, we decided it was bleeding us dry. Now I’m doing what I’ve always done which is some crafts! Chris surprised me with a cricut and I haven’t looked back!

Chris made it home last week and the very next day we headed out to adult, but also a little adventure and family time. We had to go check on our home in Georgia which we haven’t been to in 7 years!!!!
Our landlord has been increasingly more difficult and frustrating with communication and overall just doing their job! So we decided tit was time! It was so bizarre to be back there and see the home we raised Ilee in! Her room is still blue and her glow in the dark star stickers are still all over the ceiling! Even still 7 years later, I can’t believe through all the tenants they’re still there. Our house is a disaster and needs a lot of work. So please pray with us on getting back in a sellable state.

We can’t go back to where it all began and end so to speak, without visiting our dear sweet baby. As hard as it was, especially with a very confused Jaisalyn,  it’s something we’ve wanted and needed to do for so long. We sat as quietly as Jais would allow for a few minutes and visited her grave site.

From here we went straight to the landlords to fire them! I know what you’re thinking! Wow! That’s a lot how can there be more!? Well, most definitely there’s so very much more! I’m sorry but that’s for another day as we are still living it! Trust me you will not want to miss it!


Stay tuned...

Yours always,
Queen B

Not Quite Good Enough

I know I'm not alone when I sit here and tell you I've felt inadequate. We all go through our struggles. Lately though, I've been challenged mentally and emotionally with the rate of my success. I think this is what has led me to share my progress so publicly. While opening myself up for ridicule and harsh comments, it also has allowed people in. Maybe there's just one person out there who I can reach, or can reach me back. Maybe it's away to encourage me to keep it up, or maybe it's a self-harming mechanism to punish myself into doing better. Whatever the reasoning, it's done and out there. I do have to say that my FB world of friends and family have been super encouraging, and definitely supportive. I've even enjoyed several private messages asking me what my secret is, or telling me that I encouraged them to get moving! I could not ask for a better support system, and I'm so appreciative for that.

So then why? Why with all this love and support am I still hurting myself? Why do I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl who started all this? Why can't I rejoice in my success like all my supporters? Why am I so discouraged, and have to fight the daily urge to quit? Why, why, why?

I've been thinking and I'd have to say that this is just part of the journey. As someone whose overcome some really painful events in her lifetime, I need to make myself feel good enough. I need to learn to be happy, to see the good in myself, and the beauty that's there within me. I HAVE to see how far I've come, and quit sabotaging my success. I am truly my worst enemy. I'm the only person who can fuel my vessel with the right foods, and sweat off every last pound... so I'm the only person who can authenticate my progress.

I recently joined some fellow Army spouses at what's called Bodyblast, and I can't even begin to put into words how amazing these ladies are. They really have set the bar high on loving each other, and just doing your best always! One thing they've given me is the idea of a non-scale victory! WOW! Looking for these small things daily, can really change your mind frame. (That and your bestie right there by your side trying to shake you out of it)!

All in all, it's a bad season for me mentally, but I will survive; as I have so many times before. If it were easy, I would have changed my life a long time ago. My challenge to anyone in my life that tries to compliment me and encourage me is to call me out if I don't graciously accept it. I'm horrible at "well I'm still fat" or "I still have so far to go!" Also, if you are on your own journey, whatever it may be, PLEASE find a way to enjoy your #nonscalevictories!


Unapologetically,

Queen B

Non-scale Victories
I bought all new clothes in smaller sizes!
Wore shorts in public!
Ran 2 5ks in one weekend!
Had to clean out my closet of all my bigger clothes!
Is running my first ever 10k tomorrow... wish me luck!
Has met so many wonderful people along the way!
Learning daily to love what God gave me ;)

Down 45 lbs, weight 215

I am....

For too long I've been using I am... I woke up this morning with all the I am's.... circling in my mind.

I am too ashamed.
I am too embarrassed.
I am too scared.
I am too fat.
I am too ugly.

I AM full of excuses!!! These are all things I told myself or others in order to not put myself out there. I've hid behind all of these for far too long. As I ran my second 5k yesterday, and celebrated the would have been 6th birthday of Ilee; I realized something... I am no longer holding myself back. I have come so far, and been through so much...

I am determined.
I am motivated.
I am a different person.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am healthy.
I am beautiful on the inside.

These are the things that matter to me. One day very soon I will be adding, I am confident in who I am! Not there yet, but I'm definitely cruising right along. I never dreamed of being a runner; not that I'd say I'm a runner yet, but I shaved 11 minutes off my first 5ks time yesterday. That's a huge accomplishment that I'm very proud of. I never thought I could live again without Ilee, and here I am still celebrating her life several years later.

I am getting there! I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Week almost 12 (tomorrow)

Down 40.4 lbs  weight  219.6

Moving Right Along

Once again, it's been awhile. I have had a very busy few weeks! I'm moving into week 11 of my new lifestyle and I'd like to say that my progress is incredible. I'm feeling better, sleeping better, and doing better than I have in a long time. I can't believe how far I've come. Friends are starting to notice and comment, and we all know how good that feels. Motivation is right where it needs to be, and this week I'm going to face my fear and work out in public. I'm switching up my routine a bit this week and getting out of my bubble (treadmill in my room).Wish me luck as I embark on this exciting, scary journey tomorrow.

Going from the bubbley, outgoing, cray cray lady to this in the shell kind of girl is hard. I miss the old me, and it's hard to not feel broken. It's funny when you set out to make such a big change in your life what goes in and out of focus for you. I'm still me, wild and cooky (hey it's in the genes), just down a little deeper now! I've had a rough few weeks due to illness, but I finally feel like I'm moving again. I definitely got off track mentally and that was weighing on me more than any of this weight. It takes a special friend, you know the one and only person who can tell you that sorta thing with out breaking you, to get in your head and get you right back to where you need to be. To my special lady, thank you and I love you!

I had to sit down, and look at what I've done in the short time I did it in. I needed to seriously revamp my goals, and remember the real reason I started doing this. I did not slip up at all, but was in a LONG stall. While doing all of this, and the well deserved butt chewing from above mentioned friend; I had all I need to dive back in and give it hell!

For the first time since I've started this, and knowing I still have far to go; I'm excited to share with you all my progress. I pray that while reading this you are inspired to jump up and do it with me. I know you can!!!

Love always,

Queen B

Week 10: 223 lbs

Down 37 pounds!

Ripples In The Water

2 weeks into my diet now, and I'm still going strong! No cheating and working out 6x a week! I'm so excited to have found a treadmill too, so I have no excuses to start running! I just have to get out of my head, and out of my own way! Emotionally I'm spent! Chris is working crazy hours, Jaisalyn has been acting out like crazy, and please don't even get me started on my moose of a puppy! Plus, I have some health stuff going on with my endometriosis and depression. All in all I'm doing pretty good. I have friends in all the right places and I'm so very grateful for that.

2 weeks in and I'm down 9.2 pounds! Whoop whoop! Ok, that's how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't. I feel like it's not good enough and I have sooooo far to go! I'm frustrated and beat down. My Dr dropped a bomb on me last week and followed it up this week with "I'm too heavy to proceed any further!" BAM!!  Just like that -9 pounds doesn't seem to matter. I'm stuck in that spot in my head where I just know I have to work harder, eat less! Obsessing over every bite and every step! It's not healthy and even though those are important aspects of what I'm trying to do for myself; it's not all of it! I'm trying to teach myself that I'm worth it. I'm worth all of this.

It's hard to explain how I got here. Thinking I'm ugly and fat, and my husband can do so much better. Also, it's hard to not feel judged by my Dr who thinks I just sit around all day eating doughnuts. I got fat! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Do they know why, or how? No! I will not sit here and tell you I got to this weight eating only salad, we all know that's not true. However, I've gone through things in my life that enabled my eating, or sedentary lifestyle. Trust me I know lots of people have gone through similar things and not gained weight, maybe even lost weight with their depression. But I can't speak to that. I can only speak to my story. I hope instead of judging me that someone out there can find inspiration in what I'm trying to do for me! 

Love always, Queen B 

Week 2 : 250.8 pounds!