A Renewed Faith

It's been like forever and a day since I last did this! For those who avidly follow me, I apologize, for those who don't you didn't miss anything! I've been busy renewing my faith. I've recently participated in The Daniel Fast with some of the ladies from our church. For those not familiar..... it's really hard!!!! Like super hard! I didn't even do the hard core version, but I cut out all caffeine, junk food, sugars, deserts, soda, and anything else unnecessary for survival. It was a 3 week fast, that ended with a fantastic trip to Fort Caswell; for a ladies retreat. I had so much fun, and spent 2 whole nights away from my babykins! It was hard (all of it) but so worth it.

My biggest reason for doing the fast was to get closer to God, and try and learn my purpose. As you all have gathered in just the few very honest posts I've written; I've struggled with my faith. I've definitely struggled with God, and just needed a reboot! Just so happens that the theme of the women's retreat was..... wait for it.... PURPOSE!!! Shut up! I know! God put all this in my path at these very moments! Amaze balls! Anywho, all along the way, God was acknowledging my hard work, and I felt like the fast was working! It was literally like everything backed up this decision. The pastor talked at every service about the book of Daniel, and my daily bible study went hand and hand! Seriously, how does that happen??

I'm so much happier, I've gone off all my meds... sleeping, depression, and anxiety; and I feel better than ever! Chris came home from a work trip the last 2 weeks and joined me in what I was doing in the fast. I feel it in my everyday life. I feel it in our family, in our relationships, and how we treat each other. It's been wonderful.

Life is hard, it's always changing. The one thing that stays the same is God. He is always there! We are the only ones that move! Crazy crazy that there is someone who loves us that much, no matter what we do. Even if we don't deserve it!!!!!!

So, I'm done with the fast, and ohhhhh boy did my body punish me. I was sooo excited to catch up on all the chocolate I had missed out on from Valentine's day! I learned a lot about my body and eating habits, and how I'm too old to handle all the fast food anymore. Gahhh I hate saying that out loud.

What I hope to gain from this, even if you are not a believer; is that you know there's always an upward path. You are not alone in your travesties. Someone out there somewhere has gone through what you are. Reach out, get help. You never know who you could help in the process!

Back at it,
Queen B

Thirty is the NEW Twenty!

Saying goodbye to an era.... I guess you could say is bittersweet. I had some really great things happen, such as my daughter Jaisalyn and getting to explore the US with my amaze balls hubby. I also had some really horrible things happen like 4 miscarriages, the loss of Ilee, and a failed adoption. I lost relationships, but gained relationships. We moved, moved, and moved again. Looking towards 30 has been scary. I NEVER wanted to get there. Something about being in my 20's will forever make you feel young. Then you meet new people and they are early 20's, and you begin to see no matter what that big 3-0 is coming.

Celebrating 3-0... I'm extremely blessed to have such an amazing husband. He really went above and beyond to give me the best LAST week of my 20's. Along with that, I have met the greatest friend, who really helped us celebrate the week properly. I'm so thankful we have met her and her little family. A week of events, shots, and non-stop laughs brought us to the bid D-day! Saturday the 17th, I turned the elusive 3-0! Nothing happened! I didn't shrivel up and die, my hips didn't give out, and my boobs weren't looking any further South then normal. However, I spent a great day celebrating with some great people! Thank you if you are reading this for helping me get through what I thought was going to be a hard day!

Birthdays! I guess the big ones... 21, 25, 30, 40, 50... etc... make us reflect on what we have accomplished in life, and in that; what we think we should have accomplished by then. What did I think I would have by 30... KIDS! 5-7 at least!!!! Well theoretically I had that and more through foster care, but I've always wanted to have a child of my own. One that is half Chris and half me (scary I know)! It's funny how things work out; Chris and I try to reason, understand, and come to terms with the fact that there will be NO Crashlies walking the earth... Your welcome!! God has blessed us in 2 beautiful ways: Illee and Jaisalyn. He has also given us a purpose for our future, and we believe that is to help the world's orphans... well at least the ones in NC!

So, there we have it.... am I disappointed I'm 30 now... No! Strangely, I'm great! I'm looking forward to the 30's all they have to offer. I'm glad to say my 20's are in the rear view, and I will not be thinking about them again!

Good riddance! 30 is the new 20!!
Queen B

Stretching Faith

Chris and I just started a bible study yesterday, and I already feel blown away by my realizations! It's crazy how much we allow something to weigh on us for days, weeks, years even! I feel like in the last 2 days I've lifted an elephant off of my chest! Ok that sounded stupid, but you get what I'm trying to say.... I seriously feel lighter, happier even. When I put me and my feelings aside and just take in what I need to; what God needs me too.... I feel clarity. 

It's refreshing to finally have some insight to the things that have happened to us. The questions we think we will never know the answers too. All the hurt and hate I have harbored inside has lifted and I can breathe. It's not that it said the answer is...... It's that for the first time I understand! I know I have miles to go, but I'm so very happy for this great jump start! 

Healing is a process and for the first time since my daughter passed, I feel it starting! I only wish I was brave enough to do this sooner! Thank you Chris for 500% always having my back.... Whatever I want to do you are there and I love you! 

Blessed and refreshed,

Queen B 👑

Who drank the hater-ade?

I get it we all have preconceived notions when meeting someone for the first time. It takes a whole second and we as females have sized them up. We've determined how their marriage works, how they take care of their children, if their a good home keeper, and if they have any personality at all! We are all different and your sizing up is probably different from your neighbors, but you get the gist. 

My question is why?? Why do we have so much hate and animosity towards each other as females? Why are we threatened by others' relationships, friendships, and marriages? Why do we feel entitled to have an opinion? Why do we feel a need to gossip and bad mouth on the outside; no details... Just the info you think you know! 

We are all guilty of drinking the haterade from time to time. We all can get envious or even jealous of others. As females though we are the worst! It's almost like we want to be better than all others. I myself have been envious of others, it's just part of nature. However, it's the way we handle it... In my humble opinion... That differentiates the girls from the women! 

I challenge each of you to love instead of hate! Our jobs are hard, being a mom and wife is hard! There's no right or wrong way to do it. So if you catch your self spewing garbage about your neighbor or the mom at the grocery store, do me a favor and take a look in the mirror! You are not perfect! I am not perfect! No one is perfect! Quit being a hypocrite and pretending your life is Grand and that you have any room to talk! Work on you and why you feel the need to be so negative and  bad mouth others.

Love to all, 

Queen B 

The two-headed monster

Aka Toddlers!!!!! They are so needy, whiney, and angry! One day she's content and happy and can do everything herself, and the next she can't do anything! Everything is NOOOO, and MINE! How do we parents handle these terrible years???

Into everything!!!! Honestly, turn your head for 2 seconds and they are like superhero fast... what gives? I couldn't be that fast if you paid me! If there's a button consider it pushed, I'm not talking figuratively.... LITERALLY.... I go to switch the laundry and discover that some little finger has pushed all the buttons, and the washer did not rinse and spin!!! The dishwasher is also another prime target, it's always running for no reason at all. Just yesterday I set up the crockpot with some chicken and went to check on it 45 minutes later to discover it had MAGICALLY been turned off!!!!

Seriously, if I had one pinky nail of all that sneakiness, mischievousness, and pure speed... I could rule the world... seriously!!!!

The best part, in my humble opinion, is when Jai looks right at me while she's doing something she's not supposed to. I catch her 80% of the time just because I feel her beady eyes staring me down... wondering if she's going to get caught. Daring to see which end of the beehive she's poked; then just like that a halo appears and she has the sweetest little smile. "Hi mommy" Are you kidding me? I could rob banks with that skill!!!!!

Don't get me wrong this stage has its benefits, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING she says is soooo cute...(minus the before mentioned no and mine) She's learning and doing things so fast, and its mind blowing how smart she is sometimes. She is sweet as pie, Chris has taught her how to say "Mommy's pretty!" awe!!! I know he's a peach!! She's my best friend, and I'm lucky enough to spend everyday ALL day with her, and her shenanigans!!!

Before I leave you for the day I will leave you with one last wonderful story... Never, I mean NEVER leave them unsupervised with the potty. We usually have the bathroom door shut, but somehow this day it was not. We are busily rushing around trying to get out of the house to head to the children's museum 2 hours away, and Jai with all her glory is ready to go! Every I step the floor is wet... "Chris why is the floor wet?" He had no idea... huh? ok? let's go! Chris grabs Jai only to discover that she is in fact soaking wet as well as her brand new Elsa doll. She needed a bath (in the potty) before we could leave!!!! Yummy! Lesson learned... bathroom door stays shut!


Hope you all have a blessed day,
Queen B

Arrrggg

Jais and her bestie Millie

Daddy and Jais milking cows

Turmoil

Sometimes things don't work out how you think..... DUH! Why is it so hard to let go? 

I love with all my heart. I've been burned so many times by people who were closest too me. I think it's natural to mourn those relationships! I still struggle with relationships from high school that didn't work out. It's stupid... I know. I'm stubborn, sensitive, and I don't forget! Some of my aweful flaws! 

Lately, I've been struggling with the loss of my friend Devlin. She was there with me through some of the hardest times of my life. Devlin  and I were inseparable. I thought we would be together forever. I loved her as my family, and honestly still do. Have you ever had that person in your life who you thought would just always be there?

It's hard to say exactly what happened or where we went wrong. I know my side only, and that is that I felt completely shut out of her life. We had numerous conversations about how weird it had gotten, and why we weren't so close anymore. They all ended with lets start over, and everything will be fine. I got tired of feeling alone in our relationship.... I wanted to be there so badly; only to be shut out time and time again. Why after everything we'd been through did things have to change? Did I outgrow her? Did she outgrow me? Were we never really meant to be? Was it always destined to end this way? How do you move on without answers?

I was foolish to think things would get better, and in my heart I think I knew it was over a long time ago. Just live and learn, and try to let go. Moving on is easier said than done, and I will forever mourn that relationship. We all deserve to be happy, and sometimes that means letting go. I have great friends and family that love us, and adore Jaisalyn. I know without a doubt they will always be there for her, and that's at the end of the day what counts.  

I hope Devlin is happy and has a wonderful life. She deserves nothing but the best.

Chocolate covered kisses 💋💋💋💋

Nine years of fertility treatments, a dozen foster kids, a failed adoption, and the loss of a child definitely had us broken. We had just PCS'ed to Ft Jackson, SC where Chris was going to be a Drill Sergeant. Before we even got there I had been in contact with a Private Adoption Agency; had submitted our application and had a date for our first home study. Things were slow at first, I went back to school at Regency Beauty Institute, and worked part time at Ulta; while Chris stayed busy working 100+ hour work weeks. After our second home study, we learned about our miracle baby!!!

Our agency, as well as many others, branch out and work with agencies all over the US. They had a lawyer in Charleston, SC that had a pregnant mother she was having difficulty placing. She asked for other's portfolio's if anyone was interested. Mind you, we had been working on a portfolio for months!!!! It told our entire story, and was very pretty! This lawyer wanted 2 pages MAX, and that was supposed to be enough to convince this woman we were the family for her little one! I got the email in the middle of school, and immediately headed home to work on this tiny portfolio. We got it done, and I was able to overnight it to Charleston that day. The next day, while driving back from school, the lawyer called to tell me the Biological mom had picked US!!!!!

I was ecstatic, scared, overwhelmed, and any other crazy thing you would think someone would be feeling in that moment!! I immediately called Chris and told him the fantastic news. We were hesitant to tell our family until we had more info. Jaisalyn's mom wanted to meet us, and since she was 7 months pregnant it was pretty urgent! We were able to drive up and meet her for dinner, where we spent hours talking and crying with her. I brought her the portfolio I had been working on for her to keep. She was so sincere in wanting the best for her baby. The meeting went well, and other than waiting for Jais to be born, we had another tiny problem..... $$$$$$$$

I don't want money to take over this because what God did for us in this situation was truly a miracle. We had 2 months to raise the money to cover all the lawyer, court, guardian ad litem, hospital, and Biological mother fees. We were looking at upwards of $20,000. Hard to swallow at first, but already it was a blessing.... the agency we were working with before required a $10,000 agency fee; we no longer had to pay that going through the lawyer. Looking at that number in the face was scary, but we had the best lawyer in the world, and I believe God put her there to help us.

We hit the ground running, I quit school and went to work full time, and we were running fund raisers like crazy. We started a website, sold magnets, bracelets, baked goods, tshirts, and our church even did a car wash! Each time the lawyer asked us for money, we miraculously had it to give!!! We applied for every grant out there, but with the timing of our adoption, we were not eligible for any! Our family majorly stepped up and were sending us donations. It was seriously a miracle. We obviously did it, and to this day I could not tell you where every last dollar came from..... but I'm so very grateful!

Jaisalyn was born via C-section a week early on October 12th, 2012 at 8:15am. She was so beautiful and we were lucky to be there for all of her first moments. Her Biological Grandmother was there and so kind to us. She held Jais and prayed over her, as well as us! Jaisalyn was really sick in the beginning, and we weren't able to touch her with our skin for the first whole week of her life. When we finally did though, it was amazing. We "kangarooed" her lol! (It's when you lay her naked skin on your bare chest, so you can each feel each other's heart beats.)

We had to wait 2 days for her Biological mom to sign the paper work, since she had a C-section. The case worker came to get us to tell us whether or not she had signed, and we were a mess with nerves. We left to go call our family and deliver the news, meanwhile all the NICU nurses were freaking out since they saw me crying, and then we didn't come back!!! When we got back we had a huge celebration, and these nurses we had just met 2 days prior were crying with us. They were so happy for us. That was the most joyous occasion, and I'm so glad we spent it with those nurses!

Our little Chocolate Chip is still keeping it interesting!!! She is the light of our lives, and I honestly believe that Ilee picked her for us in Heaven. Jaisalyn saved our lives, and I pray we can instill in her how important she is and will always be!!!

That's all I got for now!

6 months

1 year