Ripples In The Water

2 weeks into my diet now, and I'm still going strong! No cheating and working out 6x a week! I'm so excited to have found a treadmill too, so I have no excuses to start running! I just have to get out of my head, and out of my own way! Emotionally I'm spent! Chris is working crazy hours, Jaisalyn has been acting out like crazy, and please don't even get me started on my moose of a puppy! Plus, I have some health stuff going on with my endometriosis and depression. All in all I'm doing pretty good. I have friends in all the right places and I'm so very grateful for that.

2 weeks in and I'm down 9.2 pounds! Whoop whoop! Ok, that's how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't. I feel like it's not good enough and I have sooooo far to go! I'm frustrated and beat down. My Dr dropped a bomb on me last week and followed it up this week with "I'm too heavy to proceed any further!" BAM!!  Just like that -9 pounds doesn't seem to matter. I'm stuck in that spot in my head where I just know I have to work harder, eat less! Obsessing over every bite and every step! It's not healthy and even though those are important aspects of what I'm trying to do for myself; it's not all of it! I'm trying to teach myself that I'm worth it. I'm worth all of this.

It's hard to explain how I got here. Thinking I'm ugly and fat, and my husband can do so much better. Also, it's hard to not feel judged by my Dr who thinks I just sit around all day eating doughnuts. I got fat! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Do they know why, or how? No! I will not sit here and tell you I got to this weight eating only salad, we all know that's not true. However, I've gone through things in my life that enabled my eating, or sedentary lifestyle. Trust me I know lots of people have gone through similar things and not gained weight, maybe even lost weight with their depression. But I can't speak to that. I can only speak to my story. I hope instead of judging me that someone out there can find inspiration in what I'm trying to do for me! 

Love always, Queen B 

Week 2 : 250.8 pounds!

Long Live the Queen

Every time I sit down to do this, I start with it's been awhile, and well it has! Things in our lives are continually changing, and I'm not alone in that. Since, I've posted we've made some major lifestyle changes! After 4 months with our last sweet foster baby, we've decided to take a break from fostering! It's funny, because we went to Washington to visit family for a month with the baby, and they now have a new appreciation for what we do! They understand fully how hard it is to love a baby, and give it back not knowing the fate of what will come. Even with this new support system, we decide the best thing for our daughter is to take a break. She's 3 and doesn't understand where the new baby has gone. She continuously asks for him, and it's heartbreaking to say the least! This, however doesn't take away our desires to have a big family, but we will take a break for now and revisit later.

Meanwhile, I've decided to make a huge change in myself, and FINALLY lose the weight I've been holding onto since we've started this baby making journey 11 years ago! WOW I'm old! I've gained 130 lbs through fertility treatments, depression, and just complacency! I started a new 1,200 calorie diet with the biggest loser, and am working out 6 x a week! I drink a gallon of water a day, and am doing pretty good considering! I'm not hungry, and I'm eating good foods. I have joined several 5ks, and am sooo excited about them. (If you would like to follow along with my diet, or working out look me up on my fitness pal. )

Starting this diet is a huge change for myself and my family. I thought some of the harder things would be feeding them as well as me, but to my surprise they are loving my healthy food. Jaisalyn wants to eat everything I am, and usually does 2-3 helpings of her veggies!! Proud parents here lol! Working out has also been challenging considering the change in calorie intake, but I'm still managing that well too. I'm 1 week in and surprised at how well I'm doing! I've already lost 5.6 lbs! Gone forever! I'm also down 6 inches! I was chugging away doing wonderful, and then something unforeseen happened, and Aunt Flow paid a visit. Ding dang it! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. It's a game changer for sure, but I've maintained my diet and exercise and stayed the course. However, my weight loss has suffered! How do I mentally get over the fact that I haven't lost anything this week? I can't stop mulling over everything I put in my mouth, and whether or not I worked out enough. I'm trying to decide if I'm making the right choices, and how I'm going to go forward.

The worst part about a stall this early in my game, so to speak, is that all of my attempts to lose weight in the past have gotten me to this 5 lb spot, and then nothing! I'm so scared that's where I'm at again. My body has decided it likes to be fat, and won't do anything more. This is why I chose such a drastic program. I'm trying to reboot, and tell my body what the new norm is. Gahhhh, of course it's going to fight me on it. So, where does this leave me?? I have to make a choice... to let this be the end, or to "shake it off" and get my butt up and work out. I will beat these 5 lbs! I will beat my body! (not literally of course) Thanks to the support of my Best Friend and my Hubby, I will push through!

I plan on sharing my journey, as I always have, and hopefully inspiring someone going through a similar process. If this big 'ol lardy booty can do it, then so can you! Sharing in this type of way is probably the scariest part of all. No one wants to admit publically what they've done to their own body. It's shame and guilt inducing pain. Allowing myself to be publicly scrutinized doesn't sound like much fun, but it holds me accountable for what I want for myself. ME! I want this, and only I can do this! Now onto the hardest part of this whole thing......

My starting weight was 260 pounds!

Love to all,

Queen B

A Sick Twist of Fate

When I was younger I did a lot with my grandparents. They lived 8 short blocks from us, and spent nights, weekends, summers, and any time they possibly could with us. I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything, but I was my Grandpa's favorite. As the oldest of his grandchildren, and the only girl... I was his princess, or as he called me his Theedee Bug. It's strange I know.... My mom was known as Bug when she was younger and I was knighted early on as well.

My Grandpa was the most amazing person I've ever known, and today 13+ years later my breath still catches when I think of him. There's an entire town who could back me up when I say that he was a true hero. He was known by many because of his kind heart. He would do anything for anyone. He never drank or even smoked a cigarette in his life. Which makes  his sickness even more heartbreaking! If there ever was a Saint amongst men Rodney James Eastman was him. He didn't even curse! We weren't allowed to say "fart" around him he was that serious! Although, my brother Jeff earned the title Methane from a very young age.... fart was out of the question.

What I remember about my Grandpa most was how he was always there. He had an excavation business as well as cattle he raised for beef. Two successful businesses he started all on his own, and he still came to every volleyball, basketball, softball, and cheerleading game I had. He was always taking us to Lake Roosevelt or Pend 'Oreille to go out on the boat. He was always there making memories with us. I remember bottle feeding calves, picking up strings, and riding in the backhoe. I could go on and on about how he impacted my life, but I think you get the picture.

My Grandma is a nurse. She is also known to a whole town, and many more as a hero. She's helped many people get better. She also helped my Grandpa when he was sick. When I was 17 years old, I participated in a pageant to represent our home town. Although, they had just gotten horrible news, they waited to tell us until after my big night. The next day, however, we learned that my Grandfather had pancreatic, lung, and liver cancer. It was advanced and he didn't have long. He didn't! 3 months to that day my Grandfather passed away at home thanks to my Grandma, mom, and Hospice. This changed me in a way spiritually I'm sure some of you can understand. To say I was angry was an understatement. I still do not understand.

Fast forward 13+ years, and I'm sitting in a Starbucks happy as a clam, because I am kid free! Woohoo! My mom calls me to burst my happy bubble, and tell my that my Grandma is sick, and she has pancreatic cancer. I can honestly tell you that in that moment, my Grandpa flashed through my mind; with the memories of how short his time was, and how sick he got before the end. I was scared, I still am!

Chris was gone, and it was Jaisalyn's 3rd birthday, I had been planning for months. Chris made it by the hair on his chinny chin chin, and we celebrated. As soon as that was over however, I was on a plane with Jaisalyn and our current foster baby to Washington to be with my family.

I wish I could tell you why I sat down to get this off my chest, but I'm not entirely sure. My emotions have been all over the place since we had to come back to NC for the baby. I'm still terrified something is going to go wrong. She needs all the help and prayers she can get, and unfortunately I can only offer prayers way over here. She's a fighter, she will get through this, as will I, and our entire family. We are a family bred from True Heroes
.

The Big Move

We moved! Our lease was up and it was time! Moves are hectic and stressful and definitely an easy time to argue and fight. If I'm being honest it's been a trigger for Chris and I many times... Many many times! We do move a lot! However, this has been the easiest move ever for us! We were so blessed when our landlord let us move a week earlier than planned and Chris and I (with help from some beloved friends) were able to move the whole house and clean the old one before our original move date! Like I said easy!

Anywho, I could go on and on about how much we all love the new house and all its ammenities, but I won't! I will simply say it's the little things that really light my wick these days! Such as being able to turn my kitchen faucet all the way, not hearing a hum every time we use the water, water pressure, being able to open the freezer door, and (my absolute favorite) being able to turn a full 360* in my shower! These are some of the wonderful things our new home has to offer. Everyone seems to be transitioning well! 

Plus, Chris was home and able to help move! BONUS! Moving is also expensive! Deposits left and right! I'm happy to tell you all that despite a year of troubles and frustration... We will be getting our old deposit back! I thought hell would freeze first! But plenty of prayers and the lady seemed to be a new person at the walk through! Thank Jesus! 

We are probably 85% unpacked! I'm very happy how things are coming along. De-cluttering and simplifying is my new home motto! The plan is to spend a few years here...hopefully we can break our record of 3 years... Back to Alaska... The longest we've ever lived somewhere so far in our career! 

Hope all is well for all reading this! I'm excited I got a few minutes and a head full of thoughts! 

Queen B 

Some not so helpful helpers!

Jais and Riley in our new back yard!

It's Been a Minute!

Oh boy, where to begin?

It's true my life has been turned upside down in the last couple months. It's hard to keep you updated with Chris' job, and confidentiality with foster care. Now that a few things have changed, I'm going to do the best I can to fill you in on all things Crazy B!

We recently had 2 children come stay with us. They were great in the beginning. We've always set out to take in all God sends us, and to not ask any questions. We learned a valuable lesson with these girls... What we can and can't handle! Times have changed since we last did foster care, and now we have Jaisalyn to think about. She is and will always be the most important part of the equation. Chris has been away with work, and it left me to take care of 3 small children alone. We had some good times, but the bad began to overrun the good, and it got increasingly difficult to give the adequate time and attention all 3 needed. The girls have moved on, and we are deciding together how we want to move on with care.

Chris has come and gone, gone and come! He loves his new job, and it keeps him super busy. We have already been in NC for a whole year. We miss our family, and our working out our long term plans for retiring closer to home. Everyday it changes though. We dream of traveling overseas to Germany or Italy, and one day settling down closer to home... ie the other side of the US!


There's not really a lot going on with us; we're just try to embrace every minute we get together. That's the important part these days. We are going on a family vacay this weekend, and couldn't be more excited... it's the first in a longgggg time! I'm also planning on making a trip to SC to see some good friends who are about to PCS. As always we are in the works for a trip to WA, we'll see how that goes!

Sorry it's not very entertaining, or exciting for that matter... just a small update! Hopefully, I can be back to my witty self soon, and be able to discuss more details.... safety first y'all!!! <3

Love always,

Queen B

Jais and Daddy opening Daddy's presents!

and of course trying them on!!!

A Renewed Faith

It's been like forever and a day since I last did this! For those who avidly follow me, I apologize, for those who don't you didn't miss anything! I've been busy renewing my faith. I've recently participated in The Daniel Fast with some of the ladies from our church. For those not familiar..... it's really hard!!!! Like super hard! I didn't even do the hard core version, but I cut out all caffeine, junk food, sugars, deserts, soda, and anything else unnecessary for survival. It was a 3 week fast, that ended with a fantastic trip to Fort Caswell; for a ladies retreat. I had so much fun, and spent 2 whole nights away from my babykins! It was hard (all of it) but so worth it.

My biggest reason for doing the fast was to get closer to God, and try and learn my purpose. As you all have gathered in just the few very honest posts I've written; I've struggled with my faith. I've definitely struggled with God, and just needed a reboot! Just so happens that the theme of the women's retreat was..... wait for it.... PURPOSE!!! Shut up! I know! God put all this in my path at these very moments! Amaze balls! Anywho, all along the way, God was acknowledging my hard work, and I felt like the fast was working! It was literally like everything backed up this decision. The pastor talked at every service about the book of Daniel, and my daily bible study went hand and hand! Seriously, how does that happen??

I'm so much happier, I've gone off all my meds... sleeping, depression, and anxiety; and I feel better than ever! Chris came home from a work trip the last 2 weeks and joined me in what I was doing in the fast. I feel it in my everyday life. I feel it in our family, in our relationships, and how we treat each other. It's been wonderful.

Life is hard, it's always changing. The one thing that stays the same is God. He is always there! We are the only ones that move! Crazy crazy that there is someone who loves us that much, no matter what we do. Even if we don't deserve it!!!!!!

So, I'm done with the fast, and ohhhhh boy did my body punish me. I was sooo excited to catch up on all the chocolate I had missed out on from Valentine's day! I learned a lot about my body and eating habits, and how I'm too old to handle all the fast food anymore. Gahhh I hate saying that out loud.

What I hope to gain from this, even if you are not a believer; is that you know there's always an upward path. You are not alone in your travesties. Someone out there somewhere has gone through what you are. Reach out, get help. You never know who you could help in the process!

Back at it,
Queen B

Thirty is the NEW Twenty!

Saying goodbye to an era.... I guess you could say is bittersweet. I had some really great things happen, such as my daughter Jaisalyn and getting to explore the US with my amaze balls hubby. I also had some really horrible things happen like 4 miscarriages, the loss of Ilee, and a failed adoption. I lost relationships, but gained relationships. We moved, moved, and moved again. Looking towards 30 has been scary. I NEVER wanted to get there. Something about being in my 20's will forever make you feel young. Then you meet new people and they are early 20's, and you begin to see no matter what that big 3-0 is coming.

Celebrating 3-0... I'm extremely blessed to have such an amazing husband. He really went above and beyond to give me the best LAST week of my 20's. Along with that, I have met the greatest friend, who really helped us celebrate the week properly. I'm so thankful we have met her and her little family. A week of events, shots, and non-stop laughs brought us to the bid D-day! Saturday the 17th, I turned the elusive 3-0! Nothing happened! I didn't shrivel up and die, my hips didn't give out, and my boobs weren't looking any further South then normal. However, I spent a great day celebrating with some great people! Thank you if you are reading this for helping me get through what I thought was going to be a hard day!

Birthdays! I guess the big ones... 21, 25, 30, 40, 50... etc... make us reflect on what we have accomplished in life, and in that; what we think we should have accomplished by then. What did I think I would have by 30... KIDS! 5-7 at least!!!! Well theoretically I had that and more through foster care, but I've always wanted to have a child of my own. One that is half Chris and half me (scary I know)! It's funny how things work out; Chris and I try to reason, understand, and come to terms with the fact that there will be NO Crashlies walking the earth... Your welcome!! God has blessed us in 2 beautiful ways: Illee and Jaisalyn. He has also given us a purpose for our future, and we believe that is to help the world's orphans... well at least the ones in NC!

So, there we have it.... am I disappointed I'm 30 now... No! Strangely, I'm great! I'm looking forward to the 30's all they have to offer. I'm glad to say my 20's are in the rear view, and I will not be thinking about them again!

Good riddance! 30 is the new 20!!
Queen B