Not Quite Good Enough

I know I'm not alone when I sit here and tell you I've felt inadequate. We all go through our struggles. Lately though, I've been challenged mentally and emotionally with the rate of my success. I think this is what has led me to share my progress so publicly. While opening myself up for ridicule and harsh comments, it also has allowed people in. Maybe there's just one person out there who I can reach, or can reach me back. Maybe it's away to encourage me to keep it up, or maybe it's a self-harming mechanism to punish myself into doing better. Whatever the reasoning, it's done and out there. I do have to say that my FB world of friends and family have been super encouraging, and definitely supportive. I've even enjoyed several private messages asking me what my secret is, or telling me that I encouraged them to get moving! I could not ask for a better support system, and I'm so appreciative for that.

So then why? Why with all this love and support am I still hurting myself? Why do I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl who started all this? Why can't I rejoice in my success like all my supporters? Why am I so discouraged, and have to fight the daily urge to quit? Why, why, why?

I've been thinking and I'd have to say that this is just part of the journey. As someone whose overcome some really painful events in her lifetime, I need to make myself feel good enough. I need to learn to be happy, to see the good in myself, and the beauty that's there within me. I HAVE to see how far I've come, and quit sabotaging my success. I am truly my worst enemy. I'm the only person who can fuel my vessel with the right foods, and sweat off every last pound... so I'm the only person who can authenticate my progress.

I recently joined some fellow Army spouses at what's called Bodyblast, and I can't even begin to put into words how amazing these ladies are. They really have set the bar high on loving each other, and just doing your best always! One thing they've given me is the idea of a non-scale victory! WOW! Looking for these small things daily, can really change your mind frame. (That and your bestie right there by your side trying to shake you out of it)!

All in all, it's a bad season for me mentally, but I will survive; as I have so many times before. If it were easy, I would have changed my life a long time ago. My challenge to anyone in my life that tries to compliment me and encourage me is to call me out if I don't graciously accept it. I'm horrible at "well I'm still fat" or "I still have so far to go!" Also, if you are on your own journey, whatever it may be, PLEASE find a way to enjoy your #nonscalevictories!


Unapologetically,

Queen B

Non-scale Victories
I bought all new clothes in smaller sizes!
Wore shorts in public!
Ran 2 5ks in one weekend!
Had to clean out my closet of all my bigger clothes!
Is running my first ever 10k tomorrow... wish me luck!
Has met so many wonderful people along the way!
Learning daily to love what God gave me ;)

Down 45 lbs, weight 215

I am....

For too long I've been using I am... I woke up this morning with all the I am's.... circling in my mind.

I am too ashamed.
I am too embarrassed.
I am too scared.
I am too fat.
I am too ugly.

I AM full of excuses!!! These are all things I told myself or others in order to not put myself out there. I've hid behind all of these for far too long. As I ran my second 5k yesterday, and celebrated the would have been 6th birthday of Ilee; I realized something... I am no longer holding myself back. I have come so far, and been through so much...

I am determined.
I am motivated.
I am a different person.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am healthy.
I am beautiful on the inside.

These are the things that matter to me. One day very soon I will be adding, I am confident in who I am! Not there yet, but I'm definitely cruising right along. I never dreamed of being a runner; not that I'd say I'm a runner yet, but I shaved 11 minutes off my first 5ks time yesterday. That's a huge accomplishment that I'm very proud of. I never thought I could live again without Ilee, and here I am still celebrating her life several years later.

I am getting there! I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Week almost 12 (tomorrow)

Down 40.4 lbs  weight  219.6

Moving Right Along

Once again, it's been awhile. I have had a very busy few weeks! I'm moving into week 11 of my new lifestyle and I'd like to say that my progress is incredible. I'm feeling better, sleeping better, and doing better than I have in a long time. I can't believe how far I've come. Friends are starting to notice and comment, and we all know how good that feels. Motivation is right where it needs to be, and this week I'm going to face my fear and work out in public. I'm switching up my routine a bit this week and getting out of my bubble (treadmill in my room).Wish me luck as I embark on this exciting, scary journey tomorrow.

Going from the bubbley, outgoing, cray cray lady to this in the shell kind of girl is hard. I miss the old me, and it's hard to not feel broken. It's funny when you set out to make such a big change in your life what goes in and out of focus for you. I'm still me, wild and cooky (hey it's in the genes), just down a little deeper now! I've had a rough few weeks due to illness, but I finally feel like I'm moving again. I definitely got off track mentally and that was weighing on me more than any of this weight. It takes a special friend, you know the one and only person who can tell you that sorta thing with out breaking you, to get in your head and get you right back to where you need to be. To my special lady, thank you and I love you!

I had to sit down, and look at what I've done in the short time I did it in. I needed to seriously revamp my goals, and remember the real reason I started doing this. I did not slip up at all, but was in a LONG stall. While doing all of this, and the well deserved butt chewing from above mentioned friend; I had all I need to dive back in and give it hell!

For the first time since I've started this, and knowing I still have far to go; I'm excited to share with you all my progress. I pray that while reading this you are inspired to jump up and do it with me. I know you can!!!

Love always,

Queen B

Week 10: 223 lbs

Down 37 pounds!

Ripples In The Water

2 weeks into my diet now, and I'm still going strong! No cheating and working out 6x a week! I'm so excited to have found a treadmill too, so I have no excuses to start running! I just have to get out of my head, and out of my own way! Emotionally I'm spent! Chris is working crazy hours, Jaisalyn has been acting out like crazy, and please don't even get me started on my moose of a puppy! Plus, I have some health stuff going on with my endometriosis and depression. All in all I'm doing pretty good. I have friends in all the right places and I'm so very grateful for that.

2 weeks in and I'm down 9.2 pounds! Whoop whoop! Ok, that's how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't. I feel like it's not good enough and I have sooooo far to go! I'm frustrated and beat down. My Dr dropped a bomb on me last week and followed it up this week with "I'm too heavy to proceed any further!" BAM!!  Just like that -9 pounds doesn't seem to matter. I'm stuck in that spot in my head where I just know I have to work harder, eat less! Obsessing over every bite and every step! It's not healthy and even though those are important aspects of what I'm trying to do for myself; it's not all of it! I'm trying to teach myself that I'm worth it. I'm worth all of this.

It's hard to explain how I got here. Thinking I'm ugly and fat, and my husband can do so much better. Also, it's hard to not feel judged by my Dr who thinks I just sit around all day eating doughnuts. I got fat! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Do they know why, or how? No! I will not sit here and tell you I got to this weight eating only salad, we all know that's not true. However, I've gone through things in my life that enabled my eating, or sedentary lifestyle. Trust me I know lots of people have gone through similar things and not gained weight, maybe even lost weight with their depression. But I can't speak to that. I can only speak to my story. I hope instead of judging me that someone out there can find inspiration in what I'm trying to do for me! 

Love always, Queen B 

Week 2 : 250.8 pounds!

Long Live the Queen

Every time I sit down to do this, I start with it's been awhile, and well it has! Things in our lives are continually changing, and I'm not alone in that. Since, I've posted we've made some major lifestyle changes! After 4 months with our last sweet foster baby, we've decided to take a break from fostering! It's funny, because we went to Washington to visit family for a month with the baby, and they now have a new appreciation for what we do! They understand fully how hard it is to love a baby, and give it back not knowing the fate of what will come. Even with this new support system, we decide the best thing for our daughter is to take a break. She's 3 and doesn't understand where the new baby has gone. She continuously asks for him, and it's heartbreaking to say the least! This, however doesn't take away our desires to have a big family, but we will take a break for now and revisit later.

Meanwhile, I've decided to make a huge change in myself, and FINALLY lose the weight I've been holding onto since we've started this baby making journey 11 years ago! WOW I'm old! I've gained 130 lbs through fertility treatments, depression, and just complacency! I started a new 1,200 calorie diet with the biggest loser, and am working out 6 x a week! I drink a gallon of water a day, and am doing pretty good considering! I'm not hungry, and I'm eating good foods. I have joined several 5ks, and am sooo excited about them. (If you would like to follow along with my diet, or working out look me up on my fitness pal. )

Starting this diet is a huge change for myself and my family. I thought some of the harder things would be feeding them as well as me, but to my surprise they are loving my healthy food. Jaisalyn wants to eat everything I am, and usually does 2-3 helpings of her veggies!! Proud parents here lol! Working out has also been challenging considering the change in calorie intake, but I'm still managing that well too. I'm 1 week in and surprised at how well I'm doing! I've already lost 5.6 lbs! Gone forever! I'm also down 6 inches! I was chugging away doing wonderful, and then something unforeseen happened, and Aunt Flow paid a visit. Ding dang it! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. It's a game changer for sure, but I've maintained my diet and exercise and stayed the course. However, my weight loss has suffered! How do I mentally get over the fact that I haven't lost anything this week? I can't stop mulling over everything I put in my mouth, and whether or not I worked out enough. I'm trying to decide if I'm making the right choices, and how I'm going to go forward.

The worst part about a stall this early in my game, so to speak, is that all of my attempts to lose weight in the past have gotten me to this 5 lb spot, and then nothing! I'm so scared that's where I'm at again. My body has decided it likes to be fat, and won't do anything more. This is why I chose such a drastic program. I'm trying to reboot, and tell my body what the new norm is. Gahhhh, of course it's going to fight me on it. So, where does this leave me?? I have to make a choice... to let this be the end, or to "shake it off" and get my butt up and work out. I will beat these 5 lbs! I will beat my body! (not literally of course) Thanks to the support of my Best Friend and my Hubby, I will push through!

I plan on sharing my journey, as I always have, and hopefully inspiring someone going through a similar process. If this big 'ol lardy booty can do it, then so can you! Sharing in this type of way is probably the scariest part of all. No one wants to admit publically what they've done to their own body. It's shame and guilt inducing pain. Allowing myself to be publicly scrutinized doesn't sound like much fun, but it holds me accountable for what I want for myself. ME! I want this, and only I can do this! Now onto the hardest part of this whole thing......

My starting weight was 260 pounds!

Love to all,

Queen B

A Sick Twist of Fate

When I was younger I did a lot with my grandparents. They lived 8 short blocks from us, and spent nights, weekends, summers, and any time they possibly could with us. I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything, but I was my Grandpa's favorite. As the oldest of his grandchildren, and the only girl... I was his princess, or as he called me his Theedee Bug. It's strange I know.... My mom was known as Bug when she was younger and I was knighted early on as well.

My Grandpa was the most amazing person I've ever known, and today 13+ years later my breath still catches when I think of him. There's an entire town who could back me up when I say that he was a true hero. He was known by many because of his kind heart. He would do anything for anyone. He never drank or even smoked a cigarette in his life. Which makes  his sickness even more heartbreaking! If there ever was a Saint amongst men Rodney James Eastman was him. He didn't even curse! We weren't allowed to say "fart" around him he was that serious! Although, my brother Jeff earned the title Methane from a very young age.... fart was out of the question.

What I remember about my Grandpa most was how he was always there. He had an excavation business as well as cattle he raised for beef. Two successful businesses he started all on his own, and he still came to every volleyball, basketball, softball, and cheerleading game I had. He was always taking us to Lake Roosevelt or Pend 'Oreille to go out on the boat. He was always there making memories with us. I remember bottle feeding calves, picking up strings, and riding in the backhoe. I could go on and on about how he impacted my life, but I think you get the picture.

My Grandma is a nurse. She is also known to a whole town, and many more as a hero. She's helped many people get better. She also helped my Grandpa when he was sick. When I was 17 years old, I participated in a pageant to represent our home town. Although, they had just gotten horrible news, they waited to tell us until after my big night. The next day, however, we learned that my Grandfather had pancreatic, lung, and liver cancer. It was advanced and he didn't have long. He didn't! 3 months to that day my Grandfather passed away at home thanks to my Grandma, mom, and Hospice. This changed me in a way spiritually I'm sure some of you can understand. To say I was angry was an understatement. I still do not understand.

Fast forward 13+ years, and I'm sitting in a Starbucks happy as a clam, because I am kid free! Woohoo! My mom calls me to burst my happy bubble, and tell my that my Grandma is sick, and she has pancreatic cancer. I can honestly tell you that in that moment, my Grandpa flashed through my mind; with the memories of how short his time was, and how sick he got before the end. I was scared, I still am!

Chris was gone, and it was Jaisalyn's 3rd birthday, I had been planning for months. Chris made it by the hair on his chinny chin chin, and we celebrated. As soon as that was over however, I was on a plane with Jaisalyn and our current foster baby to Washington to be with my family.

I wish I could tell you why I sat down to get this off my chest, but I'm not entirely sure. My emotions have been all over the place since we had to come back to NC for the baby. I'm still terrified something is going to go wrong. She needs all the help and prayers she can get, and unfortunately I can only offer prayers way over here. She's a fighter, she will get through this, as will I, and our entire family. We are a family bred from True Heroes
.

The Big Move

We moved! Our lease was up and it was time! Moves are hectic and stressful and definitely an easy time to argue and fight. If I'm being honest it's been a trigger for Chris and I many times... Many many times! We do move a lot! However, this has been the easiest move ever for us! We were so blessed when our landlord let us move a week earlier than planned and Chris and I (with help from some beloved friends) were able to move the whole house and clean the old one before our original move date! Like I said easy!

Anywho, I could go on and on about how much we all love the new house and all its ammenities, but I won't! I will simply say it's the little things that really light my wick these days! Such as being able to turn my kitchen faucet all the way, not hearing a hum every time we use the water, water pressure, being able to open the freezer door, and (my absolute favorite) being able to turn a full 360* in my shower! These are some of the wonderful things our new home has to offer. Everyone seems to be transitioning well! 

Plus, Chris was home and able to help move! BONUS! Moving is also expensive! Deposits left and right! I'm happy to tell you all that despite a year of troubles and frustration... We will be getting our old deposit back! I thought hell would freeze first! But plenty of prayers and the lady seemed to be a new person at the walk through! Thank Jesus! 

We are probably 85% unpacked! I'm very happy how things are coming along. De-cluttering and simplifying is my new home motto! The plan is to spend a few years here...hopefully we can break our record of 3 years... Back to Alaska... The longest we've ever lived somewhere so far in our career! 

Hope all is well for all reading this! I'm excited I got a few minutes and a head full of thoughts! 

Queen B 

Some not so helpful helpers!

Jais and Riley in our new back yard!